Hellsing Randomness
by shadowfax272
Summary: A series of random stories based on Hellsing. How does Integra stay so calm? Why is Anderson doing doortodoor recruiting? Is this really the Ultimate Showdown? Why is Seras babysitting? Find out! Updated 16.4.07 with RECIPE FOR DISASTER
1. How Integra stays calm

It was a rare moment when Seras Victoria entered Integra's office.

"Sir…I have a question."

Integra paused for a moment to tap her cigar on her ashtray.

"Yes, Victoria?"

"Well, I was wondering…how do you stay so calm and collected all the time?"

"That's easy, Seras. You just need to listen to the right music." Integra drew back her hair to show a small iPod-style earphone in her ear.

"Oh?" Seras was intrigued.

"Yes. Would you like to listen?"

"Oh yes please, Sir Hellsing!"

"Well then there you go." Integra took out the earphone and held it towards Seras, who received it to hear the soothing melody of Beethoven's 5th Symphony.

"Wow, that explains a lot. Thankyou for your time, Sir."

"No problem." Integra scowled quietly to indicate that it _was_ a problem.

"Now, please leave my office so I can get on with this paperwork."

* * *

"Master?" Seras inquired, peering into Alucard's chamber. The vampire sat on a small chair, with his usual grin. 

"Yes, police girl?"

"How do you stay so cool and um…'badass' all the time?"

"Well, that's easy. You just need to listen to the right music."

"Oh, not you too Master…"

"Would you like to listen?" Alucard asked, removing a black earphone from his ear which one could never have noticed under his hair.

"Might as well…" Seras sighed, assuming that since Alucard was, after all, quite an old vampire, he would probably listen to classical as well.

She put the headphone up to her ear…

_LIBERATE! MY MADNEEEEEEEEEESS!_

"Ahh!" Seras screamed, dropping the headphone.

"What's wrong police girl, don't like industrial metal?" Alucard grinned, singing along to Slipknot.

"Ehh…I should have known…" Seras grumbled, walking off.

* * *

Later, Anderson and Alucard were in a heated battle. 

"?!"

"Alucard…is that…an earphone?!"

"Well yes, of course Judas Priest. Would you like to listen?"

"…I doubt I would like to hear what sort of heathen sounds go into _your_ ears."

"Come on, please?" Alucard grinned.

"Grr…fine!"

_I wanna slit your throat and f--k the wound  
I wanna push my face in and feel the swoon  
I wanna dig inside, find a little bit of me  
Cuz the line gets crossed when you don't come clean_

_My wormwood meets your pesticide  
You'll never get out, coz you were never alive  
I am infinite, I am the infant finite  
Come a little closer and I'll show you why_

_(NO ONE IS - SAFE)  
Noises, noises, people make noises  
people make noises when they're sick   
Nothing to do except hold on to NOTHING_

"AAH!" Anderson squealed and jumped. Alucard began to laugh maniacally.

"That's not even proper 'heathen' music, Anderson!" he cried, scrolling through his playlist.

"You want some of that? How's this?! Time for some REAL black metal!"

"NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!" Anderson cried as Alucard shoved the earphone into his ear.

_Tiamat, Adramelch, Acheron, Baal  
Burning up the city 'neath unholy citadel  
Summoning Leviathan, ready to attack  
Evil one awakens all the gods of Metal Black  
_

Anderson froze and his pupils started to shrink. Massive riffs drummed into his head.

_We come alive at the dawn of the night  
We're raising hell and you know that it's right  
The music screams on a wing and a prayer  
We turn the volume up, come watch if you dare_

_Hear me calling - Join the pack  
Raised in hellfire - Metal Black _

Anderson started moving his mouth as if trying to speak, but nothing was coming out.

_This ain't no music for light hearted folk  
We tell it straight to the rich and the broke  
We're long haired punks and we don't give a care  
We turn the mayhem up, join in if you dare_

Alucard turned the volume up to maximum.

_Hear me calling - Join the pack  
Raised in hellfire - Metal Black_

The solo came in and Anderson started twitching.

_A celebration of everything loud  
This is the music to incite a crowd  
Satanic forces lays everything bare  
We turn the danger up, feel it in the air_

_Hear me calling - Join the pack  
Raised in hellfire - Metal Black  
Venom's calling - Join the pack  
Raised in hellfire - Metal Black yeah_

_  
Metal F--king Black!_

SHOOM! Anderson exploded in a shower of blood.

"...Well, that was easy." Alucard grinned and popped the earphone back into his ear.

_Now Playing: Venom - Metal Black_

Alucard watched the screen as it moved on to the next song.

_Now Playing: Slayer - Angel of Death _

Alucard sighed. "Aw, he missed out on Slayer. Oh well."_  
_


	2. The Ultimate Hellsing Showdown

Vampire Alucard was going around 

A ghoul-infested forest like a big killin' ground

When Anderson burst from behind a tree

And hit Alucard with bayonets three

Alucard got pissed and began to fire

And Walter emerged with his killer wire

Anderson felt trapped so he ran away

But Millenium arrived to seize the day!

This is the Ultimate Showdown, of violence and gore

Vampires, Catholics and Nazis

Us Hellsings make four

Bodies are strewn all around us, but no-one's keeping score

This is the ultimate bloodfest, but Alucard wants more...?!

Alucard broke Rip's neck with a crack

While cat-boy Schrödinger landed on his back

Integra's in her car puffin' a cigar

Montana Max sat down to eat caviar

The Valentine Brothers ambushed Anderson

But Seras took them out with her whopping huge gun

Anderson threw tablatures everywhere

But Walter tied him up with extravagant flair!

This is the Ultimate Showdown, of violence and gore

Vampires, Catholics and Nazis

Us Hellsings make four

Who's gonna be the winner? Nobody's keeping the score

This is the ultimate showdown, I think my arm's getting sore...

When Sir Hellsing, of this battle heard word

She entered the fray, with a gun and a sword

The Wild Geese came out, taking down all the ghouls

Schrödinger hugged Alucard, who said "Get off me you fool..."

Then along came a blinding light!

Incognito came out looking for a fight

Seras went psycho with her R.P.Gs

Millenium took this as the time to flee

Alucard launched a massive attack

There was an explosion and all went black

But when we all thought that was the end of that

Schrödinger appeared wearing Alucard's hat!

This is the Ultimate Showdown, of violence and gore

Vampires, Catholics and Nazis

Us Hellsings make four

Enrico's off buying flowers, maybe he's trying to score

This is the Ultimate Showdown

This is the Ultimate Showdown

This is the Ultimate Showdown, I think Yumiko's a wh-

"What the hell are you doing?" Alucard inquired.

"Oh!" Seras jumped. "Oh, it's only you Master. I was just...this melody came into my head, and I started writing lyrics to it," she explained, humming the tune.

"Hm, cute." Alucard said simply, walking off. "It's pretty catchy. You'll have me singing it all day..."

Seras grinned with chevron eyes. "Thankyou Master!"

As soon as Alucard left the room, Seras quickly scribbled out the last line.

"This is the Ultimate Showdown...of Hellsing Org. lore."


	3. Millenium Bug: Schroedinger's Birthday

I apologise if I haven't cast Millenium properly. The only exposure I have had to them apart from fandom is Hellsing the Dawn, I haven't gotten past chapter 20 in the manga yet XD

As I have little to no idea of Rip's personality, she quotes _Macbeth_ at random intervals. ;P

* * *

"Schrödinger! It's lunch time!" cried the Doctor. 

Cat ears perked up as the aforementioned catboy leapt into the dining room and suddenly appeared on the Major's favourite chair.

The Major growled.

"_Verdammt_, Schrödinger! Hrrmph. I'll let you off just this once, but only because it's your birthday…"

He paused for a moment to sniff the air.

"Dok, what is that fishy smell?"

"It's what's for dinner, Herr Major." The Doctor grinned.

"You see, since Schrödinger is part cat, he is very picky with food. So! For his birthday I have made him a special dish – fish soup!"

The Captain appeared presently, wheeling out a gigantic bowl on a trolley. The bowl was filled with a less-than-appetizing-looking liquid and whole fish thrown in randomly.

"YAY!" Schrödinger squealed in delight, jumping into the bowl and gorging himself.

Rip took one fish on a fork and stared.

"Is this a fish I see before me, the fork toward my hand? Alas, the stench assails my poor senses and fills my mind with thoughts of rotting garbage."

"YAY!" Schrödinger cried, jumping around in the bowl, the soup splashing everywhere, even on the Major, who didn't notice (he was also gorging himself, despite all the cat hair getting in his food…)

"In other words…" Rip sighed. "I hate fish…Alas. All the sweet perfumes of Arabia could not wipe this smell from my nose."

The Doctor simply sat and watched in glee. Captain Günsche was in the corner acting mysterious as usual.

"Say, Doktor…" The Major interjected, his mouth full of fish, "is there any cake?"

"Fish cake." the Doctor replied. Hans Günsche wheeled in another trolley, this one with an enormous cake with whole fish sticking out of it, the same icky colour as the soup.

The Major's face lit up.

"_Alles Gute zum Geburtstag_, Schrödinger!" everyone cried, before singing the Happy Birthday song.

_Hoch soll sie leben!_

_Hoch soll sie leben!  
Dreimal hoch!_

"YAY!" Schrödinger cried, and with one CHOMP devoured the entire cake.

There was silence.

"HE ATE THE WHOLE THING?!" Dok cried.

"MY BEAUTIFUL CAKE!" Major howled.

"Come here, you! You'll pay for eating my cake!" Major chased Schrödinger around the room.

"Help me, Dok!" Schrödinger cried, running out the door.

The Major approached Captain Günsche.

"Captain! Call Zorin and ready my zeppelin, I MUST have that cake!" he cried.

Hans nodded and exited the room.

_Presently…_

"WAAH!" Schrödinger screamed, running away is fast as his little legs could carry him, and teleporting frequently. But it was no use – he couldn't get away from the towering zeppelin dropping bombs right behind him! The Major was yelling from a loudspeaker onboard.

"HJ-Oberstammführer Schrödinger! Return my cake immediately! You have thirty seconds to comply!"

Rip and the Doctor simply stood watching from a window.

"You people are crazy…" Rip muttered as the Doctor went to work dissecting a muffin.


	4. Alucard meets FMA

Alucard has a run-in with _Fullmetal Alchemist_'s State Military. Should be fun.

* * *

"It's a nice night, isn't it, police girl." Alucard grinned at the officer pointing a gun in his face. 

"How dare you…" the blonde-haired, uniformed female replied. Her eyes were filled with an emotion both fear and anger.

"I am no 'police girl'. My name is Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye of the Amestris State Military." Her stature was rigid: her eyes did not move from the wavering figure before her, nor her fingers from the trigger.

"You're stubborn, police girl. The only one I can think of as stubborn as you is my own master…" Alucard brought out his trademark grin and evil laugh.

At this point the human felt vulnerable. Her arms began to shake.

"You…you're crazy! You're under arrest!"

"That's very cute…"

"I mean it!"

Alucard began to laugh again, and a black mist formed about him.

Riza answered this with a shot to the vampire's shoulder, which he immediately regenerated.

"You…you're not human!"

"Would you have killed me, if I was?" Alucard smirked**  
**

* * *

"Colonel, I arrested this man- no…this man requested to be brought in. I would deem him insane, but…"

Colonel Roy Mustang looked up momentarily from his paperwork, but only to glance at Alucard, whose enormous figure barely fit the doorway.

"Great. We need a new janitor." He replied, looking back at the reports.

Alucard's eyes widened. "What?!"

"How dare you degrade me so! I am Nosferatu Alucard, the No-life King! I serve only my own master, I am not fit to be a human's _waste disposal_. If you wish to confront me, come forward!"

Roy snapped his fingers and a flame launched from his gloves and incinerated Alucard, turning him into a nice crisp.

"Oh, that wasn't very nice." The vampire growled as he regenerated.

_That's impressive alchemy, he can transmute himself!_ Roy looked on, stunned.

"Now I will show you how REAL vampires do battle!"

Presently a large pentacle appeared in the skies over Amestris' State Military base.

* * *

"Sir Integra, we have a slight problem." Walter announced as he entered said Hellsing leader's office with a stack of papers. 

Integra took a puff from her cigarette and narrowed her eyes at the unsightly pile.

"Yes, Walter?"

"Well…Alucard was arrested last night by the Amestris state military, and he didn't take it lightly…King Bradley is pressing charges. We are expected to pay this astronomical sum to repair the military base. Priceless documents have been destroyed, not to mention the loss of several highly qualified soldiers and alchemists." He pulled a single paper from the top of the pile and handed it to Integra.

"Where is Alucard presently? I want him in here immediately." She growled, with her _Now I'm angry_ look.

"I have reason to believe he's doing community service, Sir Integra."

"And how much will that take off our...debt?"

"Absolutely none. It's for amusement purposes only."

* * *

"Having fun, _No-Life King_?" Roy grinned at Alucard, who was holding a mop and wearing a rather unsightly janitor's outfit. 

"Don't look at me." he growled.

_I will have my revenge on these fools...ruining my reputation..._


	5. Recipe For Disaster

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

Hellsing and Iscariot in the same place: Check

Alucard: Check

A holiday event coordinated by the Queen: Check

Cigars left at Headquarters: Check

Stuck in a large ballroom having to wear a horrible dress: Check

Integra sighed, looking up from her impromptu checklist.

"Cheer up Sir Hellsing, what could possibly go wrong?" came a voice out of the blue.

Integra glanced aside to see Walter next to her, his usual optimistic smile on his face.

"Would you like another tea?"

"No time for that now, Walter, here comes that damn Maxwell boy."

Sure enough, Enrico had arrived at the scene, late as usual. Renaldo was following closely. Thankfully, Anderson was nowhere in sight.

"Good evening, Protestant s- I mean _Sir Integra_." He drawled. "Compliments of the season from Section XIII."

"And a very happy Easter to you too," Integra growled.

Enrico glanced around the room. "Where is your dear pet? I heard he got you into a spot of trouble with the…American State Military, was it?"

"Amestris State Military." Walter corrected. "And it took a fair bit of persuasion, but we managed to convince the Queen to give us some money to pay off the debt. The rest, we agreed, was to be paid off personally by Alucard himself...through community service."

* * *

_Some weeks ago…_

"A paperboy?!" Alucard snarled. "It's bad enough you've got me cleaning your floors! I will not degrade myself further by selling your ridiculous…_propaganda_."

"Well then, if you're not going to do that…at least take Hayate for a walk." Riza grinned, the aforementioned dog yapping at her heels.

"I will not! And I'm not going to be nanny for that Elric boy anymore, either! All the vampiric powers in the world couldn't make him drink his milk! I'm leaving!"

"Suit yourself." Roy said, setting Alucard on fire again.

"…is your dog…urinating on me?!" the burning vampire asked.

Black Hayate barked happily.

"I HATE THIS STUPID COUNTRY. Whatever kind of merciless god you worship, I hope it smites you!"

* * *

"Quite a humorous tale, it seems. But you never really answered my question, where is he?" Enrico replied. 

"You called, Master?" Alucard popped up from the floor.

"Where were you?!" Integra growled.

"I was supervising a drinking contest with the Wild Geese downstairs."

"I don't want to know…"

"Nice dress."

"Bugger off."

* * *

"Major! We have _ein_ problem!" Schroedinger yelped, dashing into the dining room. 

"What is it? Can't you see I'm busy here?!" the aforementioned Major replied, deeply engaged in a game of chess with Doc.

"Captain got a bit mad and…erm…shot our pilots. It's not looking good!"

"That explains our sudden angle of depression…" Doc nodded.

Presently a random soldier enters the room.

"_Sturmbannfuehrer_! Our pilots are dead, we're going down! Estimated time till impact: 40 seconds!"

"Oh goodie, that gives me enough time to prepare some toast." Major walked off.

"Oh, Schroe, go tell Captain Hans to prepare for landing, somehow."

"HE'S FALLEN ASLEEP SIR!" came the catboy's voice from somewhere in the ceiling.

"Oh. _Scheisse_. Prepare the Storchs for immediate evacuation!"

"Major, we have less than 40 seconds! The Storchs wouldn't even lift off the ground before we crashed!"

Doc picked up Schroe by the neck and hauled him over to a cardboard box marked _Schrödinger_.

"Bad catboy. I think it's time you had a time out!"

"EVERYBODY TO EVACUATION PROCEDURES!"

"Well, I at least hope we don't end up like the first _Hindenburg_." Rip replied, coming out of nowhere hauling her precious musket.

"Impact in _fuenf…vier…drei…zwei…eins…_"

* * *

"Did you hear something, Master?" 

"Was that an explosion?!" Enrico cried.

"What's going on?"

Seras presently ran into the room.

"Something has crashed nearby! It's a…I think it's a zeppelin."

"What?!" Integra cried.

Walter and Alucard exchanged anxious glances.

Presently a catboy wearing a rather politically incorrect uniform ran into the room.

"We claim this building under the name of the Letzte- _oh weh…_" Schrödinger glanced around the room furtively.

"All soldiers to battle positions! Search and Destroy!" Integra cried, nearly falling off her chair.

"Oh Master, you're overreacting. I think you've had too much caffeine."

Alucard drew his Jackal and Casull.

"Allow Walter and I to take care of this…"

* * *

"What's our situation, Doctor?" the Major announced, leaping humorously out of the burning wreckage clutching a piece of toast, which had been mostly incinerated. 

"Well sir, our transport appears to have exploded, and we are stranded in the middle of an English-"

"I mean our crew!"

"Well, obviously most of us are accounted for. Schrödinger has gone ahead with a small group to capture nearby buildings for us so we have some place to organise our battalion and ensure everyone is secure."

"_Wunderbar_! Where is the Captain? I would like a word with him…"

"He went off too. He must have caught the scent of someone he didn't like…"

* * *

"You're surrounded, you little…whatever you are. You can tell your boss we're sending you all straight to Hell!" Enrico grinned. 

"Where is my backup?" Schrödinger yelped.

"Dealt with." Walter grinned, flashing his wires.

"Walter." Alucard caught the attention of the butler, gesturing to another door in the room.

"What is it- oh, shi-"

A rather tall man had entered, wearing a massive greatcoat and hat. He was wielding two C96 Mausers, and he wasn't happy…

"It's that damned Captain! Everybody, find cover!"

The Captain began firing on Walter.

"Ha, haaaaaa!" We have you now, butler! We're going to capture you and make you one of our vampire soldiers!" Schrödinger grinned.

"Why?" Walter was confused.

"Because, um…because you make good tea!"

"This guy has attitude!" Enrico exclaimed. "Where is Alexander?! I haven't seen him anywhere!"

"We should be going, Father Maxwell, things are getting intense." Renaldo said.

"But…but I want to see Hellsing get slaughtered…why hasn't that cat thing died yet?!"

"He appears to be in a quantum state, sir." An Iscariot soldier explained.

"What on earth does that mean?!"

"It means I can do this!" Schrödinger cried, disappearing suddenly and reappearing right where the Iscariot soldier had been, exploding him.

"Yeeeeeah! Telefrag!"

"This is getting quite chaotic, Sir Hellsing." Ferguson stated. "I think it's best to leave before somebody gets killed...oh. Too late."

"Right Schrö, is this building secu-" Doc paused as he walked in on the chaos.

"How is it, Doc?" came a cry from outside.

"It's, uh…it's not safe yet, Major! Please, stay outside!"

"Having fun there, Walter? Need some assistance?" Alucard inquired.

"I…I'm not quite as spry as I used to be, Alucard! Your help would be appreciated!"

"What's going on in there?"

"I-it's nothing, Major! Just a bit of a disturbance, we should have it under control…shortly…"

"It iz time to fire my musket!" came a yell from behind Major.

"Wait, wh- NO RIP! DON'T FIRE THE-"

A bullet came flying into the room, bouncing off all the walls and putting a hole through Integra's teacup. Naturally, it shattered.

"WHY, YOU…NOBODY MURDERS MY TEA!" she whipped out her pistol and started going berserk.

"Sir Integra, that's enough. Please, stop." Seras bear hugged Integra, nearly choking her.

"LEMME AT EM! THEY KILLED MY TEA-ackk! Seras, let go of m-"

"Oh, sorry!" Seras jumped backwards, putting Integra on the floor.

The doors flew open, and a bayonet went into the Captain.

"Y'cannae' get rid o' me! Y' Nazi scum 'r goin' down taenight!" Anderson grinned evilly.

"…What did he say?" Schrödinger cocked his head like a confused puppy.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!" Enrico shrieked.

"Oi w' taekin' a visit t' th' littl' boy's room."

"YOU WERE IN THE BATHROOM FOR TWO HOURS?!"

"Oi had t' shave m' neck."

"…I'm not going to ask…SAVE ME!" Enrico ran behind Anderson.

Presently, Schrödinger was poking the Captain.

"Mr. Guensche? Are you okay?"

Captain Hans growled at Schrödinger.

"Whoa, okay, okay! Sheesh…Captain, I think you're eroding."

The werewolf stared at the gaping hole in his stomach.

"Yah! Score one f'r silver weap'ns!"

"Nooooo! Don't die Captain!" Doc ran over to Hans.

"What's going on in there?!" Major yelled, now coming into the room.

"What the-"

"Captain!"

Captain Hans looked up at Schrödinger with bloodshot eyes.

"S…Sch… Schrödinger…"

"OMG! HE'S TALKING!" Rip shrieked.

"You…are…you are a bastard."

"HEY! I take offense at that!"

"Major…I never told you…how I really feel about you…I know you won't approve of this, but…I…"

Major stood in the corner, totally shocked.

"I…hate…you…you dumb, fat troll. You're ugly, and I hate you. You are so stupid! All you think about is war, and food, and war food, and…AND YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ZORIN."

"WHAT?!" everyone cried.

"AND YOU. YOU OLD GEEZER. Butler guy. Jeeves, or whatever the hell your name is! I hate you too! And you! Red guy! I hate you! And I hate you, Doc! And I hate everyone! EVERYONE GO OFF AND DIE IN A FREAKIN' HOLE. I HATE YOU ALL. NOW GOODBYE."

"…"

"WHY AREN'T I FREAKIN' DEAD YET?!"

"It seems Schrödinger is keeping you in a quantum state." Doc pointed out.

"CURSE YOU, CAT. I HATE YOU MOST OF ALL."

"You're worse than Jan, Captain." Major shook his head.

"Walter, when I get home, I am going to smoke every damn cigar in the house."

"Of course, Sir Integra."

* * *

Author's notes:

While I was writing this I noted several similarities to Hellsing Dress-Ups...as with that, this one doesn't really have a proper ending.

Watch Fullmetal Alchemist if you want to understand the jokes in the Amestris section more. :P

You might have noticed I kind of strayed from my unwritten "no swearwords" rule. Captain's dialogue especially was quite harsh for what I usually write. If anyone is offended, I'm sorry.

Those of you who have read the later volumes of the manga will understand the joke with Walter and Schroe's dialogue about turning Walter into a vampire. Maybe.

Captain is the only actual werewolf in Millenium, the rest are vampires (exception of Schroe.) The confusion would come from Millenium's rank in the SS: _Werwulf_. Hence Captain's susceptibility to silver weapons. Captain's full name is _SS-Hauptsturmfuehrer_ (chief storm leader) Hans Guensche. See below about the umlaut rule. He also never actually talks, but I figured he would have to say something if he was dying.

A bit of history for you: Major's zeppelin is called the _Hindenburg II_. The first Hindenburg was a passenger airship (zeppelin) which was filled with hydrogen instead of the usual helium, due to wartime shortages. This proved fatal as, during a landing, the ship exploded.

The Fieseler Fi 156 airplane, commonly called the Storch, was a transport plane known for its reliability, ability to land and take off as well as, if not better than, a helicopter, and its lack of speed. I was going to put in a Stuka reference as well, as that is my favourite Luftwaffe plane, but I couldn't really fit it in.

Sorry if I cast Rip wrong again, I haven't read the volumes with her in it. I skipped a few...

I don't really like Heinkel and Yumiko for some reason. Maybe because I haven't read much of the manga concerning them. I should put them in a later fic.

The cardboard box joke with Schrödinger stems from the "Schrödinger's cat" experiment, from which Schrödinger himself stems from. A lot of quantum jokes in this chapter. Feel free to research what a telefrag is. Clue: FPS + teleporter chaos

German phrases used in this chapter:

_Fuenf, vier, drei, zwei, eins - _five, four, three, two, one. The use of the "e" after the "u" in "fuenf" indicates that if that "e" is removed, the letter "u" must be umlauted. See also: Schroedinger/Schrödinger.

_Wunderbar - _wonderful. Most people will know this one.

_SS-Sturmbahnfuehrer_ - Again with the umlaut rule. This is Major's rank.

_Ein_ - a, an or one. "We have a problem". I was going to make this "_Wie habe ein_ problem" but it would sound stupid, and people might not get it. I'm not that good at German yet :P

_Scheisse_ - A swearword, our s-word. "Oh. S--t."

German phrases used in Chapter 3:

_Verdammt_ - Damn!

_HJ-Oberstammführer -_ This is Schrödinger's rank. I think it's Warrant Officer.

_Alles Gute zum Geburtstag_ - Happy birthday "All is good for birthday"

_Hoch soll sie leben!  
Hoch soll sie leben!  
Dreimal hoch!_

(Long may they live, long may they live, three cheers) I had so many people ask whether this was the real German birthday song. It is. The English "Happy Birthday" is more commonplace now though.

_Herr_ _Major_- A lot of fics have the Millenium guys refer to Major as "Herr" meaning "Sir". This is actually incorrect, as stated in the notes at the back of one of the fansubbed Hellsing - The Dawn. It is more polite in the SS to refer to people by their rank.

Some people might notice that I alternate between saying "Dok" and "Doc". A lot of sources use "Doc" and I think this is the official one, but I think "Dok" is more correct. I don't say "Doktor", because that is the keyboardist for Rammstein. :P_  
_


End file.
